Little known provisos from the deal:
Purpose: The purpose of this agreement is to confirm the conditions and arrangements for playing a football game (hereinafter “GAME”) between the University of Tennessee (hereinafter “ HOME TEAM”) and Bowling Green State University (hereinafter “VISITING TEAM”). The contrasting FY 2014 athletic department expenditures of one hundred eleven million (111,000,000) for the HOME TEAM compared with twenty million (20,000,000) of the VISITING TEAM shall not be mentioned hereinafter.
Rules: The game shall be governed by the rules of the National Collegiate Athletic Association (hereinafter “FRAUD”) and will thus be monstrously hypocritical and provide an immense advantage to HOME TEAM.
Eligibility of Team Members: The eligibility of all players to participate in the game shall be governed by the rules and regulations of its conference, the FRAUD, and the availability of SparkNotes at the bookstores of each respective institution.
Officials: Officials shall be assigned by the Southeastern Conference. They should have undergraduate or postgraduate degrees from HOME TEAM, or lacking such, hail from the state where the GAME is contested.
Compensation of Visiting Team: The HOME TEAM agrees to pay the VISITING TEAM, as fixed and complete compensation, the fixed sum of one million two hundred thousand dollars for forfeiting virtually any chance at establishing positive momentum going into their season.
Tickets: The VISITING TEAM shall be consigned a total of 3,000 tickets. Cheerleaders and mascots of the visiting team shall be admitted when in uniform. Cheerleaders out of uniform shall be directed to the press box. Seating of the band must come out of the VISITING TEAMS 500 complimentary tickets and not be interfered with in any other tangible way lest the unmitigated wrath of dozens descend on fan message board of VISITING TEAM.
Television: Television rights will be governed by any future or crossover agreements between the conferences of the teams and the national governing body contracts, including the repulsive agreement of VISTING TEAM with the Entertainment and Sports Programming Network (ESPN).
Concessions, Parking and Program Income: The HOME TEAM shall have the exclusive right to sell programs and run concession and parking to the enduring relief of fans of VISITING TEAM.
Radio Rights: The HOME TEAM shall retain the revenue from, and have sole control of, all radio rights to broadcast the GAME. The broadcasters of VISITING TEAM shall agree to speak in stereotypically southern accents.
Impossibility: In the event of fire, flood, tornado, earthquake, war, invasion, hostilities, rebellion, insurrection or large NCAA institutions making decisions based on the educational interests of student-athletes, both parties shall be relieved of any and all obligations from this agreement.