Favourite Instrument Jokes

bgmaggot00 · Post by **bgmaggot00** » Sat Jul 16, 2005 4:40 pm

OK, we all have them, now lets hear some of them. I'll start with one of my favourites.

How do you fix a tuba?

With a Tuba glue!

Metz · Post by **Metz** » Sat Jul 16, 2005 6:01 pm

Some trumpet ones...

How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could've done it.

How do trumpet players traditionally greet eachother?
"Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm better than you."

What did little Johnny's mother tell him when he said "I want to be a trumpet player when I grow up"?
"But Johnny, you can't do both."

How do you get a trumpet player to play softly?
Take away his instrument.

And the BEST CLARINET JOKE!!!

4 clarinet players are in a mini van. The mini van goes off a cliff. What's the tragedy in this?
You can fit 8 clarinet players in a mini van!

MiamiBando · Post by **MiamiBando** » Sat Jul 16, 2005 6:18 pm

4 clarinet players are in a mini van. The mini van goes off a cliff. What's the tragedy in this?
You can fit 8 clarinet players in a mini van!

That one had me rolling.

This one time at Band Camp.....

What's the difference between a floutist and a seamstress?
A seamstress tucks the frills.
(now switch the t and the f and you'll get it)

What's the definition of a minor second?
Two floutists playing in unison.

MiamiBando · Post by **MiamiBando** » Sat Jul 16, 2005 6:26 pm

Hey, how late does the 110(or band) play?!
Bout a half a beat behind the battery.

If a band plays in a thunderstorm, who is most likely to get hit by lightening?
The conductor.

How many Band Directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but then again, who's really watching?

How many alto saxophone players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.

What do you get when you cross a piccolo and a clarinet?
An earache.

If most musicians are either high or low, what does that make an orchestral third clarinetist?
Confused.

What is the difference between a Clarinet, and a lawsuit?
Not much, 'cuz everyone is happy when the case is closed.

Rightupinthere · Post by **Rightupinthere** » Sat Jul 16, 2005 7:21 pm

How many Sopranos does it take the change a lightbulb? Just one to hold it up and the rest of the world revolves around her.

What's the difference between tuning a lawnmower and tuning a sax? You can tune a lawnmower.

Have you noticed there aren't any Drum Major jokes.......or is the drum major him/herself the joke?

Metz · Post by **Metz** » Sat Jul 16, 2005 9:43 pm

Rightupinthere wrote:Have you noticed there aren't any Drum Major jokes.......or is the drum major him/herself the joke?

"If a band plays in a thunderstorm, who is most likely to get hit by lightening?
The conductor.

How many Band Directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but then again, who's really watching?"

I would consider those two work for the drum majors as well

Rightupinthere · Post by **Rightupinthere** » Sun Jul 17, 2005 6:46 am

Metz wrote:
Rightupinthere wrote:Have you noticed there aren't any Drum Major jokes.......or is the drum major him/herself the joke?
"If a band plays in a thunderstorm, who is most likely to get hit by lightening?
The conductor.

How many Band Directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but then again, who's really watching?"

I would consider those two work for the drum majors as well

Maybe in today's world. I didn't do a lot of conducting from the ladder in my day. I was mostly on the field conducting. We were useful for eyelevel beats for the percs and when formations really got spread out. Other than that, I just looked like an ostrich trying to fly - and about as successful.

MiamiBando · Post by **MiamiBando** » Sun Jul 17, 2005 6:52 am

Percs and beats... and giving. they don't go to-get-her. Really. Percs and beats yes... giving them beats no. They do their own thing. and that's universal!

bgmaggot00 · Post by **bgmaggot00** » Sun Jul 17, 2005 2:50 pm

another classic:
How do you get two oboes ot play in tune?

Shoot one of them.

or:

What do you call band groupies?

Percussionists.

Godsgirlerific · Post by **Godsgirlerific** » Sun Jul 17, 2005 5:05 pm

Two bass drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.

Ba-dum chhh!!

FliccGirl · Post by **FliccGirl** » Mon Jul 18, 2005 12:20 am

Is there any difference between the sound of a clarinet and the sound of a cat in heat?
-Of course, but only if the cat is in good health.

What's the difference between a crushed saxophone in the middle of the road, and a dead skunk in the middle of the road?
-Skid marks before the skunk.

How do you know that a trumpet player is at your door?
-The doorbell shrieks!

Why is the horn a divine instrument?
-Because man blows into it, but God only knows what comes out.

How can you tell which kid on the playground plays the trombone?
-He doesn't know how to swing and complains about the slide.

What is the grading scale for baritones?
-New, Hit By Bulldozer Once, Hit By Bulldozer Twice, Good For Parts.

So these two tuba players walk past a bar....
-...hey, it could happen!

How can you tell that a drummer is at your door?
-The knocking speeds up.

How many drum majors does it take to change a light bulb?
-None. They'll just tell the band to do it.

What's the difference between God and a band director?
-God knows He's not a band director.

And okay, here you go, my brass-playing friends:
What's the difference between a flute player and a piranha?
-The lipstick.

bgmaggot00 · Post by **bgmaggot00** » Mon Jul 18, 2005 1:10 am

Another of my favourites:

A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Was he a great kisser?"

"Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all."

The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"

"Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!"

The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"

"Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!"

FliccGirl · Post by **FliccGirl** » Mon Jul 18, 2005 1:43 am

Mahaha. I've heard that one before.

But now that the door has been opened to band jokes we might not tell our mothers.... I would like to point out that since Band(OH) has already mentioned the famous movie line, no one else need bring it up....

*raises one eyebrow warningly*

MiamiBando · Post by **MiamiBando** » Mon Jul 18, 2005 2:38 am

This one time at band camp...

um yea.

bgmaggot00 · Post by **bgmaggot00** » Mon Jul 18, 2005 2:47 am

FliccGirl wrote:
But now that the door has been opened to band jokes we might not tell our mothers....

What if you have told that to your parents though?